Welcome to Wisconsin! We want you to feel at home. We're really not so different from Hollywood after all, and -- who knows? Maybe we can get you to stay.
Sure, Los Angeles and the West Coast offer a fair life. But, Johnny, you just need to get to know Wisconsin and our fabulous North Coast!
We're sure you'll be phoning a Realtor as soon as you learn how much we're just like you. We're already working on a big sign with 50-foot white letters spelling out "DEPPWOOD" overlooking the Madison Water Utility's poisoned well No. 3. Johnny, we have everything you're used to and so much more, all of it deep-fried and sprinkled with cheese:
"Lights! Camera! Action!" We speak your film lingo here, Johnny! For example, when we go to the movies we know that "butter" really means "butter-flavored topping." And we know how it is to have a big project "in the can." At least, Great Uncle Henry always did. That's why he would take so many magazines in there with him.
Did you know that Madison has its own Oscar? (Mayer)
Limos: You must be used to riding in those big, long cars, right? Well, how about a 6.5 ton, 31-foot, chauffeured Wisconsin Dells Duck? Ooh-la-la! Talk about exclusive!
Earthquakes: Sure, California's undulating scenery makes life interesting, but why settle for boring old earthquakes when you can have hip, exciting ice quakes? We had one Jan. 31. It was caused by a pressure ridge on frozen Lake Mendota, which brings us to ...
Smog: A true Los Angeleno would not feel at home without smog. It's true that we don't really have it here, but we know all about not being able to breathe. At least, our fish do. We keep our smog in the lakes. It's green. (Idea for sequel: "Pirate's Curse: Swimmer's Itch.")
Palm trees: It's a little-known fact that Wisconsin has many "palm" trees. We tap them for syrup. No? Well then, we already once renamed the holiday tree in our Capitol Rotunda. We 're just a single legislative act away from renaming all balsam firs as coconut palms -- with fresh pine scent!
Hand prints in concrete: We don't have a Grauman's Chinese Theater, but see all the Madison construction? Roll up your sleeves and feel free!
Celebrities, celebrities, celebrities: Wisconsin has been home to many stars -- who then moved away. Jerks. Anyway, you name the city, and we have a celebrity to match! Porn star Brittany Andrews is from Milwaukee. One of those dumpy guys from "The West Wing" is from Madison. TV 's "Mr. Wizard," Don Herbert, learned his science at UW-La Crosse. And of course, I heard that Kenosha is the birthplace of "Citizen Kane" filmmaker Orson Bean! Heck, why not move all of Hollywood here right now?
Traffic jams: Just so you feel at home, Johnny, we do have traffic jams, notably on that stretch of Highway 14 on the other side of Cross Plains when the farmer is towing his manure spreader. Speaking of which ...
Road rage: Oh, we got road rage! The other day I was so mad I shot a pothole. Which leads us to ...
Handguns: We've heard all about L.A.'s maniac drivers reaching for their pistols. It's true that we seldom carry guns in our cars. But thanks to our far-seeing state Legislature, it is a fact that in Wisconsin the legally blind are allowed to shoot deer with rifles from parked vehicles.
We got ghouls: Johnny, we know of your penchant for playing spooky bizarros. Well, howdy, good neighbor! Wisconsin has cannibal necrophiliac mass-murderers Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer. We also have red-scare witch hunter Sen. Joseph McCarthy, and we're the home of the John Birch Society. And to make the deal sweeter, Green Bay was the location where horror star Lon Chaney shot his last silent film, "Thunder."
Walk of Fame: Sure, Hollywood Boulevard has its own famed walk, but fun-loving Wisconsin does, too! (It involves touching your nose and walking a straight line.)
Gangs: We have a little gang activity here, though nothing like Los Angeles' Bloods and Crips. Still, we host The Sons of Norway and the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks. Look out! They are bad ass.
Paparazzi: Johnny, our photojournalists are chaste and respectful. However, we do have bratarazzi, who ambush cheap bratwurst all summer long, notably at Madison 's annual World 's Biggest Brat Fest. And it's purely my own editorial view, but we also have the Naderazzi, who insist on voting for Ralph Nader no matter what. If you stay, we'll let you punch some. Maybe even if you don't stay.
Winona Ryder. You used to date her, right? She's from, and named for, the Minnesota city just across our Mississippi River border! I only bring it up because, um, like, could you introduce me?
Hollywood and Vine: We know you'll miss that illustrious intersection, home to the Brown Derby, NBC's fabulous art deco Radio City West and the famous Hollywood Plaza Hotel. Unfortunately, they 've all been demolished. Weep not, Johnny! Here in Madison we keep their spirit alive, by demolishing our own historic buildings.
Finally, where could you live in Wisconsin? We don't want you to miss your Beverly -- Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools, movie stars. Our big celebrities tend to be University of Wisconsin coaches and faculty, so you might like their community in Shorewood -- Hills, that is. Football pools, learning stars.
Oh, wait. You live in France and not Los Angeles, don't you?
Mon Dieu, Monsieur Depp! Did you know that Wisconsin is home to many historic French communities, with Frenchy names such as Prairie du Chien, La Crosse, Beloit, Fond du Lac ...
(P.S. Do let me know about Winona!)
*wisconsin state journal*